It's been over 6 months since my personal life took an unexpected turn towards freedom, safety, and self rediscovery. As I shake off the dissociation that previously acted as a lifeline, my world becomes clearer and my creativity returns. There is a calmness that contradicts the fast paced and urgent lifestyle I had become accustomed to. Internally, it feels like stop and go traffic - I want to get to where I am going and live my life in a blur. The reality is that’s not possible due to our limited resources but regardless, my children and I have taken back the power and control over our lives.

Life as a survivor, sole custody, single mother means we are no longer enduring domestic violence and abuse even though we are strained for resources. A loving bond between myself and my children has returned and healed through a strong community and the professionals who rallied around us. It's truly amazing and makes me realize the wealth that comes from love and connection to one another. I believe that what makes humans special is that we help each other.

I write this blog post to share the inspiration for a new art series that I look forward to crafting over the next year of 2026. I have hopes of completing it by May 2026 but that feels unrealistic due to the limitations of my current lifestyle. So perhaps June or later, but what I plan to create is this:

As a working title, I’m thinking of The Spirit Guide Art Series because my original impulse was the “Angel Art series” but I am not religious and don’t want to confuse viewers. I want to create oil paintings on stainless steel & aluminum because the effect is gorgeous and those metals are also relevant to the current political climate of the United States. These oil paintings will portray abstract painted fields of color that integrate in the reflective metal. The abstract underpaintings will serve as a ground for the spirit guides who helped free my two children (ages 1 & 4 years old at the time) and I, from living in the cycle of domestic violence that lasted five years. The spirit guides that I am referring to manifested as birds in Denver’s local ecology and some of whom visited me during dramatic life shifts in my past. These paintings are a reflection of my personal journey of healing from complex trauma that I believe also relates to a similar journey that we, the people, are enduring.

In the past I noticed specific birds wherever I went, and I became curious about their spiritual significance. This led me on a journey through learning animal totems and the first bird to stand out was the red-winged black bird. The red-winged black bird reemerged for me in the winter and spring of 2025, and as they had done prior in my life, signaled that a major life shift was coming. I heeded their warning this time around, having learned the lesson of resistance is futile when forces larger than myself are at work and communicating with me through the natural world. Something cosmic was coming in to help me and my children because we could not find any other way to free ourselves.

The blackbird has long been associated with omens and mysticism that its color, alone, has evoked fear and promise with eyes that can see across eternity. This being oversees all of nature and all of the natural spirits. The red-winged black bird has a red path on its wings and yellow plumage that connects the bird to the primal feminine energies. This bird has ties to the creative forces of nature. The male red-winged black birds lose their luster in the winter which indicates using winter as the womb of life to bring forth an expression of new energy for summer. Blackbirds fiercely stake out their territory and to have black birds nesting in your environment is a beneficial sign. If the blackbird has come into your life as a totem, you will open to new surprises and a new understanding of the forces of nature as they begin to migrate into your life.

-Animal Speak 119-120

The red-winged blackbird’s presence subsided and morphed into the wren by way of a long lost friend with the last name of Wrenn. We had grown up together and after graduating high school, I left the state and distanced myself from my childhood. Suddenly, on the June 2025 First Friday, we were reunited nearly 20 years later! That night, unbeknownst to me, I was talking to Wrenn’s wife who was shopping for art in my studio. She motioned her husband over to talk with us about a piece of artwork she was considering purchasing. Instead of looking at the artwork that we were talking about, Wrenn was staring straight at me. While I was talking, I realized he knew me from somewhere but because I meet so many people on a regular basis, I didn’t remember where I knew him from. Ultimately he identified me and all of a sudden it clicked for both of us - two friends who grew up together but hadn’t seen or heard from each other since we graduated high school.

It's not like life had stopped for us - traumatic life events continued to intertwine Wrenn and I’s lives but because I was out of state at college, I was disconnected. Luckily, Wrenn and I’s friendship was rekindled in the summer of 2025. Wrenn is a professional writer and we co-created writing projects together for our separate business endeavors. This rekindling began to upset my abusive co-parent who used his jealousy and possessiveness of me to intervene. In the days before that traumatic day on Aug 17, 2025 - Wrenn and I had a work day for an interview that I needed help writing and we discussed plans for future work-related projects. By anyone’s standards, this was a routine business meeting but my co-parent was furious. He tried to stop us from working together, as he had interfered with my other business opportunities in the past. I was accused of infidelity which was far from the reality but this was common practice for my co-parent. He did not approve of me having friends or doing things on my own besides going to the studio or family appointments & chores. He would say, “I can’t wait for your friends to have boyfriends so they leave us alone.”

During this time I realized that a wren was a type of bird, I never knew that before in my 38 years of life! I researched the wren as an animal totem and learned that it's a small bird with a spit fire for a mouth, which parallels my dear friend Wrenn who is a professional writer. Further I learned:

The wren is powerful and resourceful, and according to pagan traditions it stole fire from the sun and brought it to earth. It also represents earth goddesses and is a bold, resourceful bird that is vocal from dawn till dusk. Wrens are not afraid to confront birds of prey or threatening animals regardless of their small size. If wrens have come into your life, it is time to ask yourself some important questions. Are you using the resources available to you? Are others? Are you not displaying enough confidence? Are you wrapped up in daily worries that you are forgetting to sing? Are you staying grounded? Are you not seeing the forest for the trees? Are you not attacking your life with enough gusto? Wren holds the medicine for using what is available, and it can teach you the most effective means to build within your own environment.”

-Animal Speak, pg 208

This totem stood out to me not only because of rekindling my friendship with Wrenn, but that there were two Wrenns - his wife, who I deem responsible for helping reunite us. Not only that but I was reunited with Wrenn’s family and my mom explained that she had taken college courses from Wrenn’s grandmother. This signaled something karmic, and the astrology of the time validated it.

During the week of Aug 11, 2025, the wren’s presence morphed into the Phoenix, which I saw daily in artwork leading up to that fateful weekend of Aug 17, 2025. During the week, I sold multiple prints and had to restock my Fire Rooster art print from the Chinese Zodiac 5 Elements Series. This was out of the ordinary but I remembered that when I was creating that 60 painting art series of the Chinese Zodiac 5 Elements series, the walk-in visitors to the studio who possessed the birth sign I was working on would show up more than the other signs. There was also an event that Friday Aug 15, at the Denver Art Society and a member artist was live painting a phoenix to the music performance that evening.

The phoenix is a legendary bird in Greek mythology (originating from Egyptian Bennu birds) that lives for 500+ years, culminating in a fiery death, only to be reborn from its own ashes. As a powerful symbol of renewal, resurrection, and eternity, this solitary, eagle-like creature burns to ash and rises again, often carrying its predecessor's remains in a myrrh egg to the Sun City, Heliopolis.

-Google Ai Overview

The weekend of Aug 17, 2025 - I was walking on egg shells of tension from my co-parent’s perceptions of Wrenn and I’s business meeting on Fri Aug 15. I was teaching in the studio all weekend and on Saturday Aug 16, I came home from the studio to an upset co-parent whose anger was disrupting the household. He said he needed to get gas for his van and I told him to go run errands so that we all could get a break from his bad behavior. This was a common scenario for our family as my co-parent would be upset with the kids or me and it would escalate to violence. In general since there was no calming down my co-parent, and talking to him only escalated the situation, he would leave. We never knew where he was or what he was doing. We wouldn’t hear from him except harassing text messages and phone calls so I would block him on my phone to focus on taking care of the kids solo. This was day in and day out, for years.

On Aug 16, I expected my co-parent to return home within an hour, as he had left to get gas for his van, but instead he returned home around midnight. Per usual, he had gotten sidetracked at the neighborhood bar and returned home intoxicated. I heard him come home and go to his room. We had been sleeping in separate rooms so my co-parent could get a solid night’s sleep while I breastfed and cared for our new baby. My co-parent had suffered seizures when our son was an infant which he said was due to the lack of sleep. Also our son was acclimating to his new room in a different part of the house after graduating from the nursery. Throughout 2025, our relationship had been dissolving because I was overloaded with responsibilities and finally decided that I deserved a non-abusive, loving, and cooperative co-parent. So we continued to sleep in separate rooms even after our daughter graduated from her co-sleeper to her crib in the nursery.

The morning of Aug 17, 2025 at 6 am, my co-parent came into my room screaming and accusing me of infidelity, again - for the 10th time. In the past, he had accused me of infidelity with males, females, and family members! Keep in mind that my co-parent was abandoning us several nights a week to go to the bar or whatever else. As a substance abuser and chronic liar, I never really knew where he was because these abandonments were always after a fight at night or on his way home from work. He would harass me with nonstop text messages and I would block his number to focus on caring for our kids, alone, and avoid regretting any reply texts. During the 5 years that my co-parent and I tried to make a relationship work, I was always at work or home and had the kids with me most of the week. Additionally, I was either pregnant & breastfeeding for 4 of the 5 years we were having children - there was no time and space for infidelity, my own substance abuse, or even personal free time.

Back to Aug 17, my co-parent was enraged and his yelling woke up the children. He wouldn’t calm down and went to his room, where I watched him pack a suitcase full of t-shirts, then rushed to leave the house. He frantically packed up our daughter in her baby carrier and nearly took her and our son in their pajamas, without breakfast, diaper bag, clothes or money. I insisted that both kids stay with me as I had no idea what my co-parent was going to do. Luckily, I was able to keep both kids with me and we continued on about our day, as best we could. My co-parent left the house at 7:30 am the morning of Aug 17 and I didn’t hear from him all day - I didn’t block his number even though I anticipated his horrible harassing text messages.

The next morning, Aug 18, I woke around 3 am and saw I had a text message from my co-parent that he sent at 1 am. He said he was half way to his mom’s house in Florida and had left the state of Colorado. At that moment, I realized that if I hadn’t insisted he leave the children with me that morning, he would have abducted them and taken them out of state with no means to care for them. At the time, my coparent had been unemployed for months, with no access to credit and the day he left, he was begging for money on social media by sharing his Venmo account. I had given him a debit card that had gifted money on it for the kids and he spent that $50 at a gas station in Kansas. My co-parent was frequently unemployed and a substance abuse user so we never had shared bank accounts. He hadn’t even properly prepared for an out of state road trip for himself, and never discussed it with me. He just left spontaneously in a heat of rage.

As the phoenix’s fire subsided, I noticed the woodpecker prominently in my field of view. As I was searching for a solution to my current situation, the woodpeckers were searching for resources and creating a safe place to live. During the woodpecker’s appearance in my life, I sorted and created a safe home by removing my co-parents possessions and getting a temporary protection order that ultimately became permanent. The specific woodpecker I continue to see in my neighborhood is the Northern Flicker.

The flicker has connections to new rhythms coming into your life and is an especially courageous bird. When a flicker comes into your life with red on the back of its head it stimulates the chakras of the head which will be stimulated into new activity. A red shafted flicker especially reflects new bounding leaps in spiritual growth and major creative changes in your life. That the same energy that is used for war, can be used for healing and that your physical & material life is going to change. The black crescent on the breast area reflects the new moon and symbolizes new sensitivity of the heart that will stimulate healing energies. Flickers and woodpeckers are master drummers and they can teach you to align with the heart. For those with this totem, it can reflect a new balance coming into your life, regardless of the conditions. Anytime there is balance, there is greater health. Flickers are also great parents. If the flicker has come into your life, it indicates a time of rapid growth and trust. Flicker will awaken a new rhythm and both the ability and opportunity to manifest all-healing love.

-Animal Speak pg 142-143

Finally that red tailed hawk emerged which I know is my personal animal totem. This hawk has guided me throughout my life and is always watching over me - a protector and guide between the earth and sky. Earlier in the summer, I worked in Grand Lake to complete my first public art sculpture which is a 20’ tall archway of Colorado wildlife, plasma cut from steel, that adorns the brand new Grand Lake Marquee. This was a project I had been working on since July of 2020 and was finally completed in July 2025 - its my most monumental accomplishment to date for my artwork. As my practice resides in Denver, we tried working remotely by having the fabricators text me photos and videos of their work but we realized I needed to provide direction in person. When I arrived in Grand Lake, specifically the hawks had been mounted upside down and other birds weren’t aligned properly - details I couldn’t see from the texted photos and videos. We worked all day rearranging the birds.

After that, the Red Tailed Hawk presented itself several times a day for months. One of my most memorable moments with my spirit guide was when I was sitting in the legal office of my protection order attorneys. We were on the 22nd floor of a downtown Denver high rise and I was staring out the window towards the majestic Indian Peaks backdropping my home town of Boulder. We were discussing the evidence for the exhibits of my case and all of a sudden, a red tailed hawk rose up in a thermal right outside our window! The cosmic overlap was that the secretary who greeted me was named Angel and one of my attorneys was Davina - the name I have personally chosen to describe the transcendental energy that connects us all. It wasn’t even a hot day outside but rather a cloudy, rainy October morning.

The red-tailed hawk can awaken visionary power and lead you to your life purpose. It is the messenger bird, and wherever it shows up, pay attention. There is a message coming. The red-tailed hawk teaches how to fly to great heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Hawks stake out their home, defend it their entire lives which teaches the balance necessary to discover our true purpose in life. The red color of the red-tailed hawk’s tail feathers, reflects an awakening of kundalini energy - the vital life force within the human body and an intensity of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces. Hawk medicine teaches vigilance that life is sending you signals and it is time to use creative energies. The sky is the realm of this totem. Through its flight it communicates between humans and with the great creator spirit. It awakens our vision and inspires us to a creative life purpose.

Animal Speak: 154-155

I write this post as a means to describe the artwork I intend to create because it deserves to be created. This body of work describes my personal journey through recovering from complex trauma. As a result of exiting the cycle of domestic violence and resorting to legal action, I also dove into psychotherapy twice a week for the past 6 months. This has been an intense dive into how my children & I’s mental health was affected by my co-parent’s substance abuse and use of intimate partner abuse & violence. The psychotherapy of Internal Family Systems or IFS, has truly helped me to rediscover my Self and the parts that make up who I am. IFS has been astonishingly powerful and inspiring but it's hard to depict. This is why I want to use a ground of abstract painting to show the internal dialogue my parts: firefighter, protectors, managers, and exiles have with the Self. As I get to know them better, they may gain names and even forms but their true nature is in emotion and feeling.

These are aspects that I had dissociated from to continue living in a relationship with intimate partner abuse & violence. I had nearly lost myself entirely as a means to keep the family together with a two parent household. Research has shown that in denying one’s self, a person develops a whole host of other problems that diminish the quality of the life for the individual, family, and also leads to more violence. This is why I originally wanted to call this the “Angel” series in that this journey seems to be by divine intervention as our last resort to free us out of the terror we were living in. The people who have swooped in to help us have also been an absolute godsend in our lives. It's simply that I don’t want to be confused with the religious meanings of angels and I am speaking from experience - I have received students looking for religious art activities and chose my astrology painting class because my name is Grace. It's not often, but it does happen.

Hopefully this blog post brings clarity and written meaning to the artwork I am gearing up to produce. In the past I was disconnected from my authorial voice and hated writing, which is why I’ve tried hiring multiple writers in the past. None of them worked out though, except to help me free my voice. I have realized that I need to write these posts because I am the creator of the artwork after all. After seven years of suppressing my voice, writing is a way to rekindle my creativity, share my story, and connect with the human condition. I want to be a voice for survivors and their journeys while also celebrating those who care enough to help in meaningful ways. I believe that what makes humans special is that we help one another and perhaps that calls in our connection to something greater than ourselves.